I'm now working just started last monday. and yes naku-kulturstaat (blk5's jargon for culture shock) pa din ako sa ganong pamumuhay. so weird. baby pa pala ako after all. pero hindi, reality check: obrero na ako.
it was fun sa class, like school minus the brain exercises i am used to (essay, readings, dreaded recitation) nevertheless it wasn't traumatic as i've expected it. yun nga lang i have to bring newspaper, Inquirer for that, everyday para di ako matanga sa buhay. our trainer is george, or "horje" for nea, and he's one heck of a guy!! ang groovy pare. and in a very odd manner he reminds me of the sublime sir doti. kaya di ako masyadong nag-fret dahil parang school lang. i am somehow getting by, though i haven't made that many friends just yet. but there is ian and justin (no not ian from kalayaan and justin from upm), and so as monessa, lheslie and janice, and tere and enzo from the other class. i have a classmatena fusion ni ryan agoncillo at ng pinsan kung half- Brit, si hadi. at mahal sya si nea.hahaha
generally, i think i like it there is IBM already. oh by the way, i am now also a bonafide IBMer. *wink*
pebi talking in gibberish again around 10:36 PM
Sunday, May 27, 2007
putang ina..endless catharsis..i'm actually sick of it myself..
by the way i'm also having a self- inflicted heart problem.. but my cardiologist can't help me in this case..wala lang..just incessantly cathartic...putang ina talaga..
pebi talking in gibberish again around 6:32 PM
From not so distant past, an extremely cute tot destined for world domination was spawned unsurprisingly during the eve of one of the most important civil uprising in the history of the human race. Several years later, the dominatrix (yes, she’s a girl) was immediately given reinforcement by the goddesses of megalomaniacs for her global conquest for dominance in a form of an oddly looking baby who at first sight will give you a vivid picture of a deformed cattle. Now the arrival of the formidable forces. Nah, I’m beginning to get tough to my favourite sib. It was actually just talking about my and my brother for crying out load. Don’t take me seriously. *wink*
Okay, on to a more serious discourse. Being the eldest kid is not really easy, even in a brood of two. The “ate” in me instinctively loomed the moment I set eyes to my newly born brother, though I still have no idea what being an elder sister is. Chain of command I guess. I’ve always been the Ate Bie Anne to Mon and of course the responsibility (and the privilege that is) of being one follows. Kahit nagbubugbugan kami at nagpapatayan na pa minsan- minsan, I still consider him my best friend. At syempre pa, since I am the Ate, I am second-in-command to my parents. Hence I get to ask him to do some errands or make him my shopping alalay or bodyguard. He uncomplainingly follows everything I say.
But now that I am having hard time coping with the “real” world, he obliviously and unassumingly takes over my natural role. He does all the stuffs the second-in-command should do. He’s like the acting Deputy Secretary of the House because the Deputy Secretary is now a basket case. He is now my Big Brother. I am now the one depending to him. I seek strength from him whenever I am down. Actually, I am doing the “silent treatment” thing (like I always do when I’m overtly upset) to the adults at home and he’s the sole person I am able talk to. I tell him all my life’s drama, all my frustrations and doubts. And he just listens, the sole thing I need right now. Everybody offers opinions; he only offers his ears. I can say nonsensical stuffs to him, talk about things his not really familiar with like the politics or concept of the Lexus and the olive tree, sometimes gloat, or even cry to him. And he just listens. He doesn’t offer any panacea to any of my drama. He just pays heed. He is a great help to me, though he is not aware of it.
I’m so proud of him. All these times I really just consider him as a baby brother though he really towered me. But now, he proved to me that I stereotyped him wrongly. He can be more mature and handle travails with ease than I am. During our family’s down times I was on the verge of breakdown, but he stayed calm. My life right now will be beyond miserable if his not around.
I am the luckiest girl in the entire world, because I have a boy who is always there for me and unwearyingly comforts me whenever I resurrect my any juvenile instincts. I am lucky to have a brother like Mon. To rephrase Julianne Moore’s character in The Hours, by the way one of our favourite movies, Mon Mon is my guide. *wink*
pebi talking in gibberish again around 6:17 PM
Friday, May 25, 2007
Orientation ko ngayon sa IBM. I’m officially employed. Pero hindi ako natutuwa. Actually during the entire orientation gusto ko ng umiyak. From 9am to 5pm I was holding back my tears. Ang hirap para sa isang excessively articulate (talkative euphemised) katulad ko, ang manahimik ng matagal. Sure I had chitchat with my seatmate during the orientation, pero that was it.
I reckon di ako tatagal ng 6 months sa IBM. Bakit ko naman nasabi yun eh hindi pa naman ako nagsisimula? Well for the record I’m a type who always regards first encounters. Medyo uneasy na ko sa first day of work (or I must say pre- first day work) ko. For one wala pa akong name-meet na nilalang na kawavelength ko. Sa kolehiyo kasi, you were all there dahil parepareho kayo sa isang aspekto ng inyong pagkatao lalo sa isang unibersidad katulad ng UP. Nariyan na parepareho kayo ng mental capacity, and there is a greater chance that you’ll meet someone na katulad ng mental status mo pero still equates your unique weirdness. Samantalang sa trabaho, heterogeneous ang mga taong makikilala mo. Iba iba ang takbo ng utak. Iba iba ang laman ng utak. Though sa UP ganito din. Pero iba pa din ang kolehiyo. Kunswelo ko na lang ay magkaroon ako ng kasama don na taga UP. It’s not UP complex per se. It’s merely trying to reconstruct a new home out of the one you left. Isa pang di ko matatagalan I think, kahit kanina sa orientation, eh ang mga pseudo- elitista. Namimiss ko ang UP dahil people there converse in English almost always but without the elitist pretense. Save for the konyos, the real ones for that. Personally, hindi batayan ang kagalingan sa pagsasalita ng banyagang wika para masabi na mahusay kang tao. Hindi iyon ang natatanging sukatan.
In any case you’re damn right, I’m scared of stepping out my comfort zone.
Ngayong nakahanap na ako ng work, parang ayoko na magtrabaho. Hindi dahil sa ayaw ko lang. It just that there are things that you only realized once you’re already committed in to something. Parang ngayon, regardless of the salary, parang gugustuhin ko pa din yung trabaho na align sa degree ko. Gusto kong maglingkod. Gusto kong bumalik ng UP para magturo. O kaya sumali sa CenPEG. O kaya mag-full time sa BM o kahit na anong mass org. O kaya magtrabaho sa Senado o Kongreso. Oo mababa ang sweldo, pero hindi siguro ganito ang mararamdaman ko. Mas ok na siguro yung masama ang loob kung pumasok sa trabaho dahil lang sa sweldo kaysa masama ang loob ko dahil sa uri ng aking trabaho. Hay… I think I won’t really reach regularization. Do I sound pessimistic? Yes I do. I won’t give any justifications for that.
Ang hirap itapon sa mundong hindi ka pamilyar. Ang hirap mamili sa pagitan ng kaldero at prinsipyo, lalo pa kung alam mo na hindi ka mapapakain ng prinsipyo mo at alam mo din na hindi matutugunan ng gaanong kalaking pera ang prinsipyo mo sa buhay. Oo umiiyak na talaga ako ngayon habang sinusulat ko to. Hindi ko na mapigilan.
Sana magstart na talaga ako sa IBM. I think it’s a good company naman. Pero ang may problema ay ako, hindi ang kumpanya. Tama si nanay, sa ngayon hindi ko pa talaga alam kung saan ako papunta. Kung saan ako dadalhin ng buhay. Hindi ko maipagkakailang natatakot ako. Ang totoo, takot na takot ako dahil lover ako ng status quo. Pero kung dadating ang panahon na matagpuan ko na ang itinalaga sa akin ng buhay, alam kong hindi na ganito ang mararamdaman ko. Sabi nga nila, matindi daw ang woman instinct. Sa pagkakataong ito, kahit hindi ko ito madalas gawin, pinapakinggan ko na ito.
Tanda ko nung high school sabi ko “the last thing I want is to become just a part of statistics”. Sa nangyayari ngayon sa buhay ko, mukhang kinain ko na ang mga binitiwan kong salita. Pero bata pa naman ako. Kahit may suicidal tendencies ako (hahaha!!!) naniniwala akong hindi pa huli para matupad itong nasabi ko matagal na. I’ll never be just a number or another nameless face. I am going to be somebody.
Sa ngayon, I have to bear with my apparent choice. Forward lang tapat ang tingin. Walang lingunan. Walang balikan. Sana lang yung friendshipna naforge ko nung college wag mawala. Hay, siguro isa din sa rason bakit ako nagkakaganito eh dahil I came to realized that when I begun to be dependent with these people, circumstances are inconsiderately repelling us.
Bottomline ng lahat ng ito: hindi pa ako handa sa real world. I envy Joyce.
pebi talking in gibberish again around 8:50 PM
Monday, May 21, 2007
*pasintabi kay jessica zafra..
Lumuwas mula ng Bacolod si Tita Linda (kapatid ni Nanay) with Manong Mike. (note: sa mga Visayan- speaking areas ng bansa, “manong” means “kuya”.)
I never get a chance to hangout with Manong kasi nga malayo sila. And I never realized that our stereotype of him (the “nerdy” kuya) is different from what he really his. Or at least from what I’ve noticed nung andito sila sa amin.
The best!! Finally, for the longest time, I am able to talk to someone na katulad ko ng wavelength. He’s a movie buff and a bookworm din. Nakakatuwa kasi andami kong nalaman sa kanya. Yung pinag- adapt- tan ng diva song sa 5th Element. Yung isang cult movie na kalimutan ko ang title pero ang tanda ko sa sabi nya dapat naka- costume ang manonood ng movie na yun. Tas nakakatuwa dahil nagkakasundo kami sa mga destinasyon sa mall: bookstores and record shops (sa latter hanap nya music, ako pelikula).
As far as I'm concerned we had great time. I really hope he makes it in UP, he'll definitely fit in very well..
pebi talking in gibberish again around 9:41 AM
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Lethargy had made me more contemplative these past few days. Apart from merely staring in vacuum and let my head momentarily shut down for a split second every 30 minutes, I also started reassessing what on earth do I really want to do with my languid life.
After 2 hours of feign pondering (hahaha!!), I’ve come to conclude that I will trade anything, even my college degree, just to become a top model. On a second thought, maybe I’ll just let my college education be. Maybe I’ll just settle with just the vague “anything” minus my UP experience. *wink*
Look I’m almost perfect for a model. My boobs are so miniscule you won’t notice they’re there. My honey- colored skin is good for a Bora Bora or a Caribbean pictorial. I’m not pretty, but my features are beyond unique. And my hair has attitude. Unfortunately, I’m too darn short, way way shorter than an average human mannequin. Blame bad genes for that.
Dream terminated. Mission accomplished.
pebi talking in gibberish again around 5:00 PM
Friday, May 18, 2007
In this short hiatus of mine, I’ve contrived several odd life frustrations and aspiration. Rummage on my list and be my guest.
1. I’ve realized that NOT being Yoko Ono is one of my biggest disappointments.
Come on!! She’s an artist inside out. She’s Japanese and has a laidback fashion sense, not to mention a lock with an attitude in her younger years. And ultimately, she has the one of 20th century’s greatest poet John Lennon for a husband. Need to explain more.
2.My affinity for the avant-garde and the bohemian makes me want to live in the outskirts of Paris in the 1900s.
Well my idea of 1900 Paris is the picture Baz Luhrman painted in his film Moulin Rouge. I so love the idea of being a part of the blossoming bohemian revolution Toulouse and his comrades set off. (Note: I must clarify that my picture of Paris during this time is the solely based from the motion picture mentioned.)
3. I’ve always wanted to operate a burlesque house or be a burlesque performer.
For the record, burlesque is NOT some sort of pornographic entertainment as what we commonly knew it to be. It is in fact a form of art. I’ve read somewhere that burlesque is somehow a diversion from the theatrical entertainment in England during the Victorian era (Note: readers, please correct me if I’m wrong. I will really appreciate it. *wink*). As we all know, theatrical presentations during those times were all patterned to the lucrative lives of the high society, with all the lavish wardrobe and exquisite way of life being portrayed on stage. The poor then somehow cannot relate. Hence the burlesque surface: a satire of the elite with lesser clothing and more hilarious, not to mention cheap form of entertainment for the masses. My point then? Nothing really. I am just fascinated and enticed of the burlesque. Kapapanood ng Burlesk Queen ni Ishmael Bernal at ng The Simpsons.
4. Still seriously thinking of scratching, whacking, or setting on fire a BMW, Lamborgini, Jaguar or any flawlessly new luxury car.
One of my secret childhood dreams is to make a guy lose his head by wrecking his toy: his car, especially if it’s an expensive one. I so yearn for that day!!!(Insert sinister laugh here)
5. Roadtrip Ala Y Tu Mama Tambien And Elizabethtown
(Disclaimer: I am excluding the rated parts of Y Tu Mama Tambien in this endeavour. *wink*)
I just like the idea of going on a solitary road trip with just a map like the one Kirsten Dunst gave to Orlando Bloom in Elizabethtown (with all the personalized CD compilations, personal notes to contemplate, and rather amusing road rules), a trunk loaded of food and water, and a considerable amount of cash supply. I’ll drive aimlessly until I reach a secluded, unexploited beach somewhere in the North and go skinny dipping alone.
6. I Envy the 60s
Two words: The Beatles
7. John Lennon Should be Granted Knighthood
If England cannot give him this honour, I will. John Lennon devotees unite!
pebi talking in gibberish again around 8:00 PM
Monday, May 14, 2007
Half of these are all rant, the other half had gone random. You should have come. The vodka and the others might have been a great help. Nah forget vodka, I don't really want it to get involve. I could have blurted it out but you were not there. Well in any case I do not know how to deal with you have i confessed it personally. It will be a whole lot of hoopla i'm telling you. Again, i am hoping nothing will change. I hope we can act normal again after this. I can. I am an actor. As for you, just be nonchalant. After all, we will not be seeing each other that much. ***
Where shall I start? Oh well, I cannot even remember when it started out anyways so it is better to start randomly. All I know is that the audacity of this action may lead to unexpected consequences and perhaps after long contemplation I have realized that it doesn’t really matter right now. I am telling this just so you know.
I have been trying to orchestrate the perfect scenario in my head for such a long time. Me telling it to you in a matter-of-fact manner, like I am just reading the prescription given to me for my overdue pneumonia; and you just there in utter silence and totally flabbergasted. Plain and simple. Then the following day everything will be normal again. As if nothing was unravelled. Oh I so love making people stunned. But then real circumstances conspired against me. Well it is perhaps a perpetual reminder that I should stop planning things up. Hence I am doing it in writing instead. Now the whole world will know. Do I care? Not really.
Anyways, whenever I try to figure out when this started, I cannot summon a concrete and logical explanation for myself. All I know is, it just occurred. Like the Big Bang. One thing I am sure of is that I have been finding reasons to justify my peculiar feelings to you for such a long time but then i cannot.
The emotional zenith was during the summer of 2006, and from then on I finally accepted to myself that I actually do have feelings for you. I bumped into this guy who I practically met through a friend. For the first time in my life I have been attracted to someone i just met once. I was so disappointed when I realized that it was the first and last time that I will be seeing him. Sad enough, he gave me something to remind him of me: a DVD copy of his favourite movie. God that sucks! That was the first time I received something from someone who is not my friend or related to me. But then before this incident, I was already having a self debate: whether or not i really like you (Chicky nostalgia). Am I just confuse because almost everyday we are together because we are in a same clique?Or because I am just bored and there is is no one in my gravitational pull decently looking enough for me to get attracted to? Or I’m just plain bored? Then came this guy and my attention was totally diverted to him. But then, it was short lived. When I once again entertain my emotions to you I thought you were merely a fallback from the curtailed summer love. I kind of let myself get attracted to you thinking I am only doing/ feeling it to get distracted. But then, each passing days I have realized that YOU are NOT merely a fallback from that other guy, HE was the fallback. It sucks to admit the truth and it took some time before I finally acknowledged it.
Know why it sucks big time for me? Because we’re friends and the last thing I wanted is to fall for a friend. It’s so against my principle. But for some odd reason I am refuting this because the last thing I also wanted is to fall for some random stranger that I only met for 2 hours. I am scared. But then, I am more scared to fall for someone i consider a friend. Apparently I don’t even know if I really love you! I’m a woman of facts and every little bit of emotion I feel, any sots of emotions, must have a logical reason. I cry, because I got pricked. I laughed because there is something to laugh about. But I can’t find any sound reason to justify my feelings for you. Talk about being cerebral, pseudo-cerebral for that.
People are asking me if I love you. And rather surprisingly my automatic reply is always “I do not know”, because that is the truth. I do not really know if I do love you to begin with. I do not even know if I am only in denial or I am really in denial. Yes I do have feelings for you but I cannot thoroughly categorized it as love. The feelings even faded for quite some time. But then all of the sudden it materialized like some ghost from the past, haunting me every waking moment in of my life (worst, even in sleep). Darnit! It sucks big time. You’re my friend for crying out loud! I shouldn’t have felt this way for you. You are nice to all you are girl friends, right? Even to the gay ones? It was so unfair for you since all those times that you are being plain amiable to me, I was practically “ilang” to you (haven't you notice? the awkward silence. the dead air. the stuttering). I do not know if you’ve noticed it but there are times that I can’t practically look straight in your eyes or even talk with sense. My demeanour had gone to the dumpster. Half guilt, half awkwardness.
You know I hated it when you are being nice on a random basis whereas every waking day of your life you are extremely cocky and downright egocentric, not to mention arrogant. I wanna strangle you and at the same time tell you everything is gonna be okay. I wanna slap you but then I wanted to just touch you hair. You’ve made an (oxy)moron out of me, or maybe I’ve made an (oxy)moron out of myself, and it sucks.
I clearly remembered this incident in a certain coffe shop when you are bragging about a date. I was like so pissed I flared like a firestarter from a Stephen King novel and I just wanna knocked you off your seat and make your nose bleed. I was not sure if I like you back then since I was still on the 1st stage of denial. I myself was even surprised of my OWN reaction. It wasn’t normal. It was not me.I also remember when you told us about the girl you met somewhere that you think you really like, and before you can even finish your second sentence I started manifesting my domineering personality. I ranted and ranted and ranted so you cannot blurt out one more word. And when I finally get into a bus home, I barely noticed my self crying. That sucks again because I do not know why am I weeping to begin with. I was hurting, I know. But then I still rationalized because you are my friend. Perhaps it is normal, to fall for you. But then how would I know? There are no facts to support my claims of denial, neither to disagree with it. The only explanation I can think was plain emotional absurdity. Why am I telling you this anyway? Oh well, just so you know.
The movie is Reality Bites. I play the character of Ethan Hawke: an artist, a poet, a bohemian, a moron. I can relate to him. What you see is merely a facade. The inside is much much different, way different. I am a prissy feline and you are my clandestine guilty pleasure.
I got drunk then I cried. I told them it was the vodka, but then i remembered that Psychology 101 taught us that no one cries for no reason. Well maybe it was the vodka after all, but when I got sober I realized it was beyond vodka. I’m not a drama queen, because if I try to I will ended up doing a Bette Davis melodrama (i am then, i am a diva like Bette Davis). Hence I had rather be an intimidating bitch to avoid the drama because I suck on it. That is why I am telling the entire world about this. I am actually gonna tell this to you personally, but i chicken out. So i opted to do it this way.I don’t know how you would react, I don’t even want to imagine. But I promise nothing will change. And I am hoping we can still be friends. That is more important to me.
I apologized for last time. I was silent because I am a megalomaniac bitch and I do not deny it. Juvenile mentality overruled rationality. I have been insensitive. That is why I can never be a good partner to anyone. I am better off alone. I would rather be a pariah than be defeated by somebody especially if he is special to me. MY APOLOGIES.
pebi talking in gibberish again around 2:57 PM
Friday, May 11, 2007
isang mensahe mula sa dati kong pagibig through friendster...
paul wrote:
eow ate febbie..
congratz poh...weeee..kainggit. wahehe...
Usta nmn poh???
godbless...
i replied:
haha..wag kang maiinggit..masaya pa din buhay estudyante..eto at bahagi na ako ng lumalaking populasyon ng mga unemployed..hahaha..
kamusta ka naman?
haha..surprising indeed.. and we're not even close nor acquainted.. take about pass/past love...hahaha..
pebi talking in gibberish again around 5:10 PM
i can't believe i had that"girl talk" wth you jayson, if that's what you call it. that was a big help and such a relief. i actually thought you would freaked out. also i was so touched when you told me that. bakit ka pa kasi lumipat lipat eh!!! hugs and kisses to you...mwah!!!
pebi talking in gibberish again around 4:42 AM
Thursday, May 10, 2007
the outing that was long overdued had finally happened!!weee..
it started out fun, though jerick wasn't there. harvey was there for like 3 hours. he left early because he said he still have work the following day. so unfortunate since i was beginning to like him that time.. you're a lucky bitch miguel!!
but then unforseen events came about. nea's mobile phone and anne's wallet was stolen. that sucked big time..screw whoever stole it!!
but still it was a fine gathering nevertheless. besides, the morning greeted us with a smile.
oh by the way, i had fun watching the WWE divas whacking each other head and having the catfight of their life..
pebi talking in gibberish again around 3:15 PM
Sunday, May 06, 2007
meme and moi all girls (janine, meme, moi, anne) these i (nick)ed from neah...haha!! moi and nea moi, jerick, nea
janine, meme, moi, anne (only half of her face..hahaha!)
jerick, ralph, nea, meme, moi
nea and moi
pebi talking in gibberish again around 12:21 AM
Thursday, May 03, 2007
- caring and kind
- center of attention
- high appeal
- good to find, hard to keep
- fun to be around
- extremely weird but in a good way
- good sense of humor
- thoughtful
- always gets what she/he wants.
- loves to joke
- very popular
- silly fun and sweet
.....ako nga ito.
*mula sa SMS galing kay neah, pisces din.hehe.
pebi talking in gibberish again around 12:12 AM
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
i'm tired of waiting, i need work fast!!!jos ko..wala na kong pera..huhuhu...
- wag maging gullible katulad ko..wag maniwala sa mga pangakong tatawagan ka for the 2nd interview.
- mag-apply online para wag mapagod (pero di namin to ginagawa)
- wag panonoorin ang reality bites kapag naghahanap ng trabaho...sasama lang ang loob mo.
- ang mga nagbibigay ng trabaho ay ang mga kapitalista, kaya wag magtaka kung panay pera, marketing, investments, advertising, etc., ang ibungad syo sa pag-a-apply mo...
MAINIPIN TALAGA AKO..AYOKO NA NG GANITO..GUMAGAWA NA KO NG MGA GAWAING BAHAY DAHIL SA BOREDOM..HINDI NA TAMA 'TO..HUHUHU..
pebi talking in gibberish again around 11:37 PM
ang sarap nitong halik na to....hehehe...
ang hoooooooooot ni josh harnett at kirsten dunst...panoorin nyo ang the virgin suicides..
pebi talking in gibberish again around 12:53 AM
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