Thursday, April 08, 2010

To Where My Soul Rest

I am currently reading Haruki Murakami’s Kafka on the Shore and as always I am transported to another world where reality is just a one possibility. Unintentionally, Murakami’s novels never fail to give me momentary escape from the noise and hustle of my own miniscule world. Is not that I am depressed or anything that’s why I need escape. In fact, I do not need one. Let’s just say that whenever I flip each page of his books, another part of me unfolds on my very own eyes; that seemingly insignificant things are beginning to have meaning and that I am able to comprehend life for the very first time. I am still half way through the book; still unable to do marathon reading since my lifestyle wont let me do it. Nonetheless, savouring every iota of his thoughts in such a languid fashion is still much more fulfilling and revealing.

As always, Mukami had given me another epiphany. This time, it’s rather morbid. One of the characters had mentioned that in a person’s life he/she does not have control on where he/she will be born, but he has control though on where he/she will die. Then it hit me, where do I actually want to die? Or maybe, let me question rephase the question. Should I die, where do I want my soul to go? Or given a chance to have my soul leave my living body temporarily, where do I want it to stay? I only have one answer in mind: in UP Diliman.

Indeed I have spent the most important four years of my life in UP Manila, and that my stay in UPM had made me the person that I am right now, and that UPM had been and will always be my home away from home. But I should say I left my soul in UP Diliman and I want it to become one of its denizens. Without a doubt my stay in UPD is rather brief, one academic year as of yet to be exact. I went there armed with a pragmatic design to establish my life. No more, definitely no less. Yet I got more than what I expected to receive from my stay there. Most of the epiphanies I had in my life had happened there. For one full year I was there all by myself. I have no friends around, I do not know any one, I have no idea what to expect. In other words, I was left to my own devices. For someone who had been very much dependent all her life to the people around her for almost everything, from choice of food for lunch to a choice of perspective, being alone is a breath of fresh air. Furthermore, I was in UPD during the time when my disposition is in disarray. I have no where to go and I have no option to go back from where I’ve been. I was lost in the void of uncertainty. But it was my choice to be alone to begin with and it was my choice to find life’s direction in an unfamiliar place. So I had and will never have regrets.

It was solitude, not loneliness. With this solitude, I found silence within. With this silence I found inner peace. With this inner peace, I found myself. Upon finding myself, I reckon I was able to see through my soul. For someone who is always so loud and quite used to live life in a hurry, my UPD experience had force me to slow down and contemplate. It made me look at life in a different perspective. Hence, Murakami made me realize that should I let my soul wander I will never let it stray away from the place that made it become more real and more complete. For in this place I will always be in eternal bliss.

pebi talking in gibberish again around
9:20 PM


Monday, February 22, 2010


birthdays had always been a bittersweet moment for me since I got on my 20s. It's like every year life is giving me a harsh reality check; that i am no longer a naive teenager always dependent to my parent for financial needs, emotional affirmation and other major life decisions. to be honest, i've been soo depressed for a while since i turned 20. Quarter life crisis, should i say? who would not get depressed anyway? i was already on my 20s, just finished college with no decent job, was struggling in graduate school and has no love life. i never felt alone. i never felt lost.

but now i can proudly say i got passed that stage already. though i think it is rather odd, i am very much satisfied with my life. no words can explain how elated i feel. merely uttering words of thanks to heavens for all the blessings i have received is not enough. i am already 24. i may be older now, but i never felt more secure. i never felt happier. i never felt so beautiful. now i look forward for the coming years. i am ready to face post-quarter life crisis with a wide smile and extremely long eyelash extension :)

pebi talking in gibberish again around
7:13 PM


Friday, February 05, 2010


would you believe that for someone who is very much concerned with the number of sleep she is getting ever morning (im a nocturnal being for almost a year now), i only got roughly 3 hours of sleep last monday because i watched the grammy awards. under normal circumstances i will definitely gnore the grammy; i'm not that huge of a music fan anyway. but the performace of sir elton john and lady gaga of "your song" made me watch it!! or at least the first few hours of it. waaaaa!!! i sooo love lady gaga now. oh well, i always have. same with katy perry (san galing to?!). i'm a closet fan :D

another reason why i think the hours i didn't spend in dreamland that day was some hours well spent is because of pink's breathtaking acrobatics. she was virtually spinning midair while singing beautifully. i was in awe. i swear! i looooveeeee pink!!

pebi talking in gibberish again around
2:35 PM


Friday, January 22, 2010


nine is my bet for best picture for this year's oscars. not because i totally dig musicals and nicole kidman, penelope cruz and marion cottilard are on it. it's because i totally dig musicals and nicole kidman, penelope cruz and marion cottilard are on it. hehehehe. (please heavens, dont make avatar best picture. titanic is one mistake i can tolerate and it's more than enough for my lifetime.hehehehe)

pebi talking in gibberish again around
1:00 AM


Friday, December 25, 2009


this is my best christmas yet. a prelude to some bigger plans for the next year? just the first part of it i should say. will share you more details on this one when everything is all set :D

happy family..happy christmas..

happy christmas to you all!! :D greetings from me and my beloved family..

pebi talking in gibberish again around
5:57 PM


Monday, December 21, 2009


brittany murphy is dead at 32. i still cant absorb it. it's like a deja vu from one of her films girl, interrupted. only in real life, it's cardiac arrest and not suicide..

brittany murphy

i was hoping to see you more in the future. but you had succumb. farewell, then. i'll just enjoy you in girl, interrupted :D

pebi talking in gibberish again around
5:45 AM


Thursday, December 17, 2009


im in bliss and in my own wonderland because of you, but now you burst my bubble without even saying goodbye.

i though i'll say hello again, but i'm betting that won't happen ever. you made me cry once more and i haven't cried over someone for like heaven knows how long. i'm such a baby. see you soon. it's over even before it had started. i will miss you and i will never ever forget you. your memories will always make me smile for sure. until we meet again, even though no one knows exactly when.goodbye.

pebi talking in gibberish again around
9:43 PM


Thursday, November 26, 2009


Had team breakfast at 6am after shift with some of my teammates (the others were on VTO) at dencios since we’ll be dispersed to different teams starting Saturday. We’re going to have new teammates, new manager and new TLs. Bagong pakikisama na naman to. I’m so gonna miss my first team in ETIS. Well then, like what I always say, to my now former teammates, I see you when I see you :D

At 9am I dashed to UP Diliman to buy some DVDs and meet up with Ditch. Since I was still wearing my uber-preppy polo shirt from work, I opted to drop by Maroons and get some old fashioned UP shirt. I got a maroon colored, medium-sized baby tee with “Mga Iskolar ng Bayan” emblazoned across the bottom part of the shirt right under oble’s printed image. It’s nice to reconnect with my roots. Hehehe.

Anyway, I was supposed to have my UP pilgrimage that same day as well (visit CSSP, UP Main Lib, Sunken Garden, book stalls at AS walk and at the Coop, though I was only able to drop by the DVD shop at SC) but I got there rather late and I still have some film viewing adventure with Ditch. So off we go to Rob Galleria to watch Wanted: Border. It was about an aswang landlady (played by the sublime Rosanna Roces). That is all I know about the movie though but I trust Ditch’s movie picks. But the Roman and Greek gods seemed to have conspired against the two of us because when we got there, Wanted: Border was not screening till 5:00pm! There was like a double screening in Cinema 8, and they’re screening Paranormal Activity when we got there. So we have no choice. We both don’t want to watch 2010 and we both have no plans whatsoever of seeing New Moon. Not in this lifetime! And so we set to Cinema 8 and watch Paranormal Activity instead. Besides, one of my teammates was watching it in her iPod this morning before we go to dencios and she seemed very terrified. I reckon I’ll somehow enjoy it.

And I was right, I enjoyed it actually. In a comic level that is! Haha!! It was like the funniest movie I’ve seen since Bruno. I think if it was only in the Philippines, the only rational and the most practical way to deal with the protagonists’ dilemma is to call their friendly neighborhood albularyo to administer the every so mystical tawas to put an end to the torments they are getting from some kapre or duwende. Hahahahaha!! In scenes where all of the audience should have been screaming there lungs out, I was hysterically laughing.

In the theater, it was just me and ditch and some Korean kids watching the movie. I bet they enjoyed it too. Hope I understand what they we’re saying though. I bet they “enjoyed” it the same way I did. Or maybe not. Perhaps I just have this tendency to chuckle while watching pathetically contrived horror movies which some people might not share. Hehehe.

In any case, amidst that “Paranormal Activity” fiasco, I genuinely had fun. It had been forever since I last talked with someone who I share the same passion with. We talked about films and books over lunch and I should say, that had been the most sensible conversation I had with someone apart from my brother since I started working again. Yes Kuya Ditch, I will try to finish 1984 and give you my unabashed opinion on the last part of the book!

pebi talking in gibberish again around
7:05 PM


Sunday, November 22, 2009


I like the way you greet “Good Morning!” and flash that reassuring smile every time the day (or should I say night) starts. I like it whenever you smile awkwardly as if you’re just 16. I like the way your presence is felt whenever you’re around. I like the way you dress up. I like way you speak, as if you knew nothing but you actually do. I like it when you kid around, though no one notices. I like it whenever I confuse you with all my questions especially when you’re so busy. I like the way you’re always there when I need you, professionally that is. I like the way you entice my olfactory glands whenever you just had a smoke. I don’t usually relish it, but since it is you I do not mind. I like it every time you ask for something; you know with you’re rather cute coercion I will always give in. I like it whenever you whine that you’re depressed; then I’ll offer you some Mentos just to cheer you up. I like the way you expression turned rather serious when you asked me how old I think you were right after I said every thing is just part of growing up. I like it when you said you’ll watch over me since I was the only one left. I like the way you pampered me when I almost cried after a realization that I was the only one left. I like it when you apologized for something that is not entirely you’re fault. It was just hormones; I should be the one apologizing.

I like the fact that I am infatuated to you. It’s been a while since I actually like someone. I like you but I should not. I know hindi tayo talo, but I can’t help it. You’re so irresistible. Although it is sad I like the fact that I’ll never see you that much for like heaven knows how long. That might curtail this obsessive tendency. Hope to work with you again someday. I will surely miss you. I see you when I see you then :D

pebi talking in gibberish again around
2:57 AM


Friday, October 30, 2009


nope, i'm not into any sort of illegal drugs lately. it just that the wonder pets are making me happy these days :) especially ming ming."problema nga ito!!" so cute!! hehehe. medyo panget lang yung video :(

pebi talking in gibberish again around
5:15 AM


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"..we felt the imprisonment of being a girl, the way it made your mind active and dreamy and how you end up knowing what colors went together. We knew the girls were really women in disguise, that they understood love, and even death, and that our job was merely to create the noise that seemed to fascinate them."

-The Virgin Suicides(1999)

...Abstract Expression...

expressing in abstract is my cup of tea.which explains my fascination to the cryptic and the obsure.

...the Abstract Expressionist...

febbie anne.popularly know as pebi,febbie,febz and piboy among others.frequently inebriated by sofia coppola films, bjork and coldplay songs, and haruki murakami novels.a political science misfit. an artist bereft of opportunity.an off-key chanteuse.a cinephile and bibliophile.neophyte in wordplay. in dire need of a loyal sycophant.

prepare to decipher the enigma......

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