Half of these are all rant, the other half had gone random. You should have come. The vodka and the others might have been a great help. Nah forget vodka, I don't really want it to get involve. I could have blurted it out but you were not there. Well in any case I do not know how to deal with you have i confessed it personally. It will be a whole lot of hoopla i'm telling you. Again, i am hoping nothing will change. I hope we can act normal again after this. I can. I am an actor. As for you, just be nonchalant. After all, we will not be seeing each other that much. ***
Where shall I start? Oh well, I cannot even remember when it started out anyways so it is better to start randomly. All I know is that the audacity of this action may lead to unexpected consequences and perhaps after long contemplation I have realized that it doesn’t really matter right now. I am telling this just so you know.
I have been trying to orchestrate the perfect scenario in my head for such a long time. Me telling it to you in a matter-of-fact manner, like I am just reading the prescription given to me for my overdue pneumonia; and you just there in utter silence and totally flabbergasted. Plain and simple. Then the following day everything will be normal again. As if nothing was unravelled. Oh I so love making people stunned. But then real circumstances conspired against me. Well it is perhaps a perpetual reminder that I should stop planning things up. Hence I am doing it in writing instead. Now the whole world will know. Do I care? Not really.
Anyways, whenever I try to figure out when this started, I cannot summon a concrete and logical explanation for myself. All I know is, it just occurred. Like the Big Bang. One thing I am sure of is that I have been finding reasons to justify my peculiar feelings to you for such a long time but then i cannot.
The emotional zenith was during the summer of 2006, and from then on I finally accepted to myself that I actually do have feelings for you. I bumped into this guy who I practically met through a friend. For the first time in my life I have been attracted to someone i just met once. I was so disappointed when I realized that it was the first and last time that I will be seeing him. Sad enough, he gave me something to remind him of me: a DVD copy of his favourite movie. God that sucks! That was the first time I received something from someone who is not my friend or related to me. But then before this incident, I was already having a self debate: whether or not i really like you (Chicky nostalgia). Am I just confuse because almost everyday we are together because we are in a same clique?Or because I am just bored and there is is no one in my gravitational pull decently looking enough for me to get attracted to? Or I’m just plain bored? Then came this guy and my attention was totally diverted to him. But then, it was short lived. When I once again entertain my emotions to you I thought you were merely a fallback from the curtailed summer love. I kind of let myself get attracted to you thinking I am only doing/ feeling it to get distracted. But then, each passing days I have realized that YOU are NOT merely a fallback from that other guy, HE was the fallback. It sucks to admit the truth and it took some time before I finally acknowledged it.
Know why it sucks big time for me? Because we’re friends and the last thing I wanted is to fall for a friend. It’s so against my principle. But for some odd reason I am refuting this because the last thing I also wanted is to fall for some random stranger that I only met for 2 hours. I am scared. But then, I am more scared to fall for someone i consider a friend. Apparently I don’t even know if I really love you! I’m a woman of facts and every little bit of emotion I feel, any sots of emotions, must have a logical reason. I cry, because I got pricked. I laughed because there is something to laugh about. But I can’t find any sound reason to justify my feelings for you. Talk about being cerebral, pseudo-cerebral for that.
People are asking me if I love you. And rather surprisingly my automatic reply is always “I do not know”, because that is the truth. I do not really know if I do love you to begin with. I do not even know if I am only in denial or I am really in denial. Yes I do have feelings for you but I cannot thoroughly categorized it as love. The feelings even faded for quite some time. But then all of the sudden it materialized like some ghost from the past, haunting me every waking moment in of my life (worst, even in sleep). Darnit! It sucks big time. You’re my friend for crying out loud! I shouldn’t have felt this way for you. You are nice to all you are girl friends, right? Even to the gay ones? It was so unfair for you since all those times that you are being plain amiable to me, I was practically “ilang” to you (haven't you notice? the awkward silence. the dead air. the stuttering). I do not know if you’ve noticed it but there are times that I can’t practically look straight in your eyes or even talk with sense. My demeanour had gone to the dumpster. Half guilt, half awkwardness.
You know I hated it when you are being nice on a random basis whereas every waking day of your life you are extremely cocky and downright egocentric, not to mention arrogant. I wanna strangle you and at the same time tell you everything is gonna be okay. I wanna slap you but then I wanted to just touch you hair. You’ve made an (oxy)moron out of me, or maybe I’ve made an (oxy)moron out of myself, and it sucks.
I clearly remembered this incident in a certain coffe shop when you are bragging about a date. I was like so pissed I flared like a firestarter from a Stephen King novel and I just wanna knocked you off your seat and make your nose bleed. I was not sure if I like you back then since I was still on the 1st stage of denial. I myself was even surprised of my OWN reaction. It wasn’t normal. It was not me.I also remember when you told us about the girl you met somewhere that you think you really like, and before you can even finish your second sentence I started manifesting my domineering personality. I ranted and ranted and ranted so you cannot blurt out one more word. And when I finally get into a bus home, I barely noticed my self crying. That sucks again because I do not know why am I weeping to begin with. I was hurting, I know. But then I still rationalized because you are my friend. Perhaps it is normal, to fall for you. But then how would I know? There are no facts to support my claims of denial, neither to disagree with it. The only explanation I can think was plain emotional absurdity. Why am I telling you this anyway? Oh well, just so you know.
The movie is Reality Bites. I play the character of Ethan Hawke: an artist, a poet, a bohemian, a moron. I can relate to him. What you see is merely a facade. The inside is much much different, way different. I am a prissy feline and you are my clandestine guilty pleasure.
I got drunk then I cried. I told them it was the vodka, but then i remembered that Psychology 101 taught us that no one cries for no reason. Well maybe it was the vodka after all, but when I got sober I realized it was beyond vodka. I’m not a drama queen, because if I try to I will ended up doing a Bette Davis melodrama (i am then, i am a diva like Bette Davis). Hence I had rather be an intimidating bitch to avoid the drama because I suck on it. That is why I am telling the entire world about this. I am actually gonna tell this to you personally, but i chicken out. So i opted to do it this way.I don’t know how you would react, I don’t even want to imagine. But I promise nothing will change. And I am hoping we can still be friends. That is more important to me.
I apologized for last time. I was silent because I am a megalomaniac bitch and I do not deny it. Juvenile mentality overruled rationality. I have been insensitive. That is why I can never be a good partner to anyone. I am better off alone. I would rather be a pariah than be defeated by somebody especially if he is special to me. MY APOLOGIES.
pebi talking in gibberish again around 2:57 PM
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